heat.

back in the hot room,
she remembers:
it’s been 11 years
since he walked out;
10 years
since she ran;
7 years
since he begged her back;
6 years
since she was home again.

back in the hot room,
it all came back:
as the warmth
embraced her body,
so too did the sweet
memories of a love
once unknown
and similarly suffocating.

just like the hot room:
you let it break you,
because you think it’s worth it.

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request.

there is the realisation,
that this is your life:
and you’ve spent more than half of it
wishing it was over.

take me now,
the tearful plea each night;

take me now,
the gutless desperation;

take me now,
so i can forget;

take me now,
before the game unravels;

take me now,
let this be the last time.


implode.

because
it feels like,
my heart
is still breaking
multiple times
in the day.

because
the pain
and grief
continue
to obliterate
my lungs.

because
every step
outside the shell
is opportunity
for panicked
collapse.

because
i have only
two gears:
self-destruction
or
cowering solitude.

because
why sleep
when the hours
are an anxious monotony
of every terrorising fear
and every disappointing flaw.

because
everything hurts
but “so it goes”:
still my heart beats
still my lungs inflate
still my brain implodes.


flood.

the flood
of memories
always brings with it
a sharp inhale,
and tight, heavy
boulder in his chest.

he misses
the warmth
of her body beside him;
her laugh,
and the depths of her mind
he ran out of time to discover.

his eyes
are full
of the pain and bruises;
careless rejection,
and the pretense of a friendship
that was over long ago.

his lost
his best friend,
and she’d already forgotten him;
like another possession
taken tragically in the flood,
but easily replaceable.


“high”

And I loved every minute of it
And we’re still in the middle of it
How’d we ever get this far and still survive?

~ Veronicas


[divide].

there’s a monster growing in our heads
raised up on the wicked things we’ve said
a great divide between us now
something we should know 

there’s something to remember
and something to forget
as long as we remember
there’s something to regret 

something we should know
there’s a mountain higher than we knew
it’s high but such a bitter view
a great divide between us now 

something we should know
a great divide between us now
on different sides of a great divide

– “the great divide,” the cardigans.


“l o s t.”

i’ll be damned if i do it, damned if i don’t
i’ll be lost if i love him, lost if i won’t
and i can’t muster up the courage to say it’s best that i leave
i can’t muster up much of anything when i’m feeling you breathe

my human heart won’t mend itself
when my own two hands are ripping out the seams
oh, it seems i’m my own worst enemy, oh
i’m doing it to myself

i’ll be hurt if i leave him, but turn cold if I don’t
he’s the sweet of a morning kiss, but there’s a poison it holds
sticking thorns into my spine but i won’t let go
sticking thorns into my sight, but i’ll keep my eyes closed

my human heart won’t mend itself
when my own two hands are ripping out the seams
oh, it seems i’m my own worst enemy, oh
i’m doing it to myself, oh

i’m doing it, i’m doing it, i’m doing it

with my own heart i won’t let it mend
use my own two hands, i rip out all the seams
oh, it seems i’m my own worst enemy, oh
i’m doing it to myself, oh

i’m doing it, i’m doing it, i’m doing it
to myself

~ liza anne.


sleepology.

eight hours
of blood
and salt,
pain and
humiliation.

eight hours
searching for
respite and comfort,
love and
approval.

eight hours
of desperation
and terror,
restless drama and
tiresome torture.


cup.

another one
for the cup:
cup of sugar,
cup of tea,
cup of soup.

another one
for the cup:
cup of dust,
cup of glass,
cup of blades.

another one
for the cup:
cup of blood,
cup of salt,
cup of hair.

another one
for the cup:
cup of nails,
cup of grass,
cup of pain.


[okay]?

what happened?
it’s okay.

where did you go?
it’s okay.

how’s your heart?
it’s okay.

is it dark?
it’s okay.

are you alone?
it’s okay.

when will it stop?
it’s okay.

why not?
it’s okay.

it’s okay.
it’s okay.
it’s okay.
it’s okay.
it’s okay.