stagger.

no knife
is sharp enough;
no blade
splits the flesh
with surgeon-like
precion.

puzzles float
through my brain:
shapes and colours
and figures and trees.
to test and trick
and bore you.

the numb monotony
wills me towards you
and i know
my desperation
isn’t fair;
i bore you.

sleep or sprint
are my only functions.
can you still
call it functional
when you stagger through life
at only two speeds?

i search for pain,
even when my eyelids ache
and my skull is shattered
and my stomach is twisted;
i seek it: i am
a willing participant in my own addiction.

would it be release?
or another futile effort?
do i really care,
now i know
i don’t belong
in this world.

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leave.

do you know
what it’s like
to be left;
waiting
in the blue.

i hear the words,
i read your stories;
but every time
the same result:
you leave and i wait.

it’s not your fault.

i have felt
the warmth of your love:
immense and like no other.
no one has ever known me
and loved me like you.

i can’t see the page
that ends with you and i.
but i promise to leave
my love at the end
of every road for you.

i wish i could
give you everything
you’ve ever given me.
[i know it’s not enough]
not until time travel allows.

while i wait
for this one to end.
maybe we’ll find our time
in the next life.


clown.

it is the intense loneliness
that follows the act;
no closer to an actress,
to a performer, to a clown;
but an act all the same.

hear me, look at me, love me;
love me the hardest,
love me the longest,
love me the most,
just please don’t leave me.


22:22

makes me feel
not quite so alone.


magnitude of rejection.

it was a stark realisation –
no magnitude of rejection
could outweigh –
not her body,
not her face,
not her laughter,
or intellect,
or humour,
or interests,
or skills;
in fact,
it was her love
they didn’t want.

it was too much,
it wasn’t enough,
it was too late,
it wasn’t the right time.

in fact, they didn’t want
to be loved by her.


amore.

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la
I like your smile
I like your vibe
I like your style
But that’s not why I love you

And I, I like the way
You’re such a star
But that’s not why I love you
Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la
I like the way you misbehave
When we get wasted
But that’s not why I love you
And how you keep your cool
When I am complicated
But that’s not why I love you

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?

Do you need me?

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
And I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

Yeah – Oh.
Oh.

Even though we didn’t make it through
I am always here for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la (That’s why I love you)

La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la (That’s why I love you)

~ Avril.


paralysis.

it is a deep panicked paralysis
i can not move
yet staying still is torture.

how the moment
is yearned for,
but to be finally enveloped
fills me with disgust.

self-loathing is a cliche,
self-hatred is a given,
pour yourself into a glass
of milk and watch
the peasants drink.


innate.

i feel it pulling
[me] in;
is that how it is
for [you]?

not even
begging, but
knowing i will
surrender.

follow it,
feel it,
obsess and
crave the purge.

i can almost
feel the pain
before i embrace it;
almost etched
into my skin
before i collapse
into the sharp
embrace.

i envy
her willpower
and control.
i envy his
distortion.
i envy the complete
surrender
to a distinction
of control.

this innate;
this blood
that tears through me;
this tremor and
insatiable
imagination.


i n k.

i am giddy
with the thought:
pierce my skin,
release the ink –
again, again, again.

this addictive pain:
let them see it
saturate my bloody
and scar my skin –
again, again, again.

i am giddy
with the thought:
a secret life,
of torture and release and secrets –
again, again, again.

the spy lives on.


sunburn.

it happens
when you leave
yourself exposed:
one ray of light
– one image –
and then a harsh awakening
to the facts.

inescapable pain
and wounds
you can’t hide.
there is a shame attached –
you should have known
this would happen.

if only
i had taken
earlier advice;
heeded the warnings
and stayed away
from danger.

it happens
when you leave
yourself exposed:
betrayal and sunburn –
just one in the same,
right?