All the times that I chose
not to leave.
To save you.
All the times I sat on the edge
Tore strips of my skin
And thought of you
As I watched the blood throb
My veins screaming to release.
And I chose.
I could not hurt you.
A sacrifice that saved me.
My hurt remains
But you are saved
A cyclical sacrifice that you are party to
Unaware of its existence.
You are all gone now.
And my pain serves to remind of each time you saved me.
Friday: 7 hours.
Workout. Work. No contact. No contact. Rehearsal. Dance. No contact. An emotional hour. I want sushi. A tired hour.
Saturday: 6 hours.
Lunch. Rehearsal. Workout. Family. Bbq. Your lips. Unexpected.
Sunday: 6 hours.
Workout. Your lips. Coffee. Workout (again). Your lips (again). Panic. Waiting. Sunshine. Best friend pierced. Waiting.
Monday: 5 hours.
Conference. Rehearsal. Workout. Non-event. Cleaning. Disappointment. Your hold.
Tuesday: 5 hours.
Airport. Conference. Rehearsal.Workout. Wine. Best friend. Gossip. Cuddles. Ice cream.
Wednesday: 5 hours.
Workout. Work. Rehearsal. Food. Rehearsal. Missing. Mistake. Your smile. Food. Dance.
Thursday: 4 hours.
Work. Phone. Email. Food. Workout. Rehearsal. Application. Application. Application. Food. Rehearsal. Food.
Rehearsal. Food. Work. Phone. Email. Application. Work. Rehearsal. Interview. Work. Shoes. Rehearsal. Dance.
Game on. Electrolytes to follow.
It did not hurt as much as she thought it would.
Like the dull, throb of the morning after;
Like the raw larynx of a personal trainer returning from a day of motivational shouting;
Like watching yourself fall, hearing the thud, but realising tears, pity are not warranted.
They knew it would come.
Inevitable, disappointing, ache.
A kiss to the forehead. A smile.
And it is done.
now I dance.
let me swallow.
embrace the pain
let me hold you up.
breathe for you
let me take control.
cradle, nourish, believe
I weep for your loss as if I knew her
I vomit with love, desperation, sorrow
I want your pain.
let me catch you.