Monthly Archives: January 2012

i stayed with him.


I stayed with him
that night.
You will never know.

He didn’t kiss me.
Not then.
He held me.
We whispered in the dark.
And then nothing.
silent understanding.

I could not describe.
You will never know.
I could not speak.
I told Andy I was drunk.

I was drunk.
And then not so much.
You will never know.

I am sorry I didn’t want you.
I am sorry.
I couldn’t.

He kissed her.
Touched her.
Held her.

You wanted her.

We made love.
I didn’t tell you.
It was too much.
He kissed me.
I could not speak.
I could not describe.

I am sorry.
I couldn’t.

I stayed with him.
That night.
And again.
I needed him.

He kissed me.
While you held her.

I was scared.
He saved me.

I am sorry.
You couldn’t.

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you love me like a kitten.

you love me like a kitten.
small, playful, cosy
vulnerable
kitten.

you hold me like I’m precious.
like no-one has ever held me.
like you can’t believe I adore you.
like you’re scared I’ll turn and scratch you.
hurt you.
slap you.

you stroke me, rub my belly.
play with me.
I investigate your bed, your body, like a curious, burrowing ferret.
you show me.
curiosity killed the cat?
you keep me safe.

with you I am always warm.
wrapped in the nook of your armpit
like it you were built for me
and all this time, waiting
for this tiny mass of fur to nuzzle in.

“what are you doing?”
“nuzzling… what are you doing?”
“being nuzzled.”

you love me like a kitten.
small, playful, cheeky
vulnerable
kitten.

you keep my favourite foods in case I visit.
you bring me treats.
you suffer my fussy habits.
my addiction to yoghurt.
my aversion to fat.

with you I am free.
I don’t care about carbohydrates.
you let me.

you let me.
you hold me when I am scared.
you find my aches and nurse my wounds.
you feed me when you know I’ll hurt myself again.
you love me like a kitten.

I will love you forever.
I know we can not be.
we are too scared.

I will love you forever.
you don’t have to submit. but please know it.

I only cry when I remember you.