Monthly Archives: February 2012

raised up.

when will it stop?

I am tired.
You tire me.

I can’t breathe.
Is this love my life forever?
Never to be fulfilled.
Temporary distractions of infatuation.
Lust?
Awe?

Just something different.
I think of the bridge.
And fire.
And pills.
If.

My hand shakes.
Please let me.
Go.

The cloud.
Lilac cloud.
Let me go.

Free from the constant panic, fear, drive.
Why do they think I need to burn out?
Stop the pain. Fear.

And you too can be free
Of my feeble, destined to fail attempts.

You could forget me.

I don’t even like your face.
And you hate my smile.

Let me go.
Let me rise up. Without you.


prolonged hatred.

who knew I was capable of such prolonged hatred?
I always hoped I wouldn’t hate.
I wished to not have the ability.

who knew this time last year?
who knew my life could have such hope?
a better hope, safe hope, loving hope.

and it was possible to deceive yourself.
who knew?
another lesson.

I do not miss you as my teacher. I did not want you.
I did not want your continual disapproval,
and narrow discipline.

is it discipline if there is no reward?
is it love if it feeds on control?
did you know what you were doing?

perhaps I find comfort
in the hate.

perhaps as I stare at your photo,
hating you
feels warm, strong, right.

maybe one day.
I can see you
and my glance will be through you.

maybe one day.
the prolonged hatred will fade
to brief, perplexed non-recognition.

maybe one day.
your presence will cause
indifference.

but I don’t need to rush it.
for now it is
prolonged.


saturday night.

10pm.
he calls me.
she’s lonely.
it’s boring.

11pm.
he’s drunk.
you’re lonely.
I’m bored.

12am.
I’m writing.
he’s feverish.
she’s boring.

1am.
he’s watching movies.
you’re dancing.
who’s bored?

2am.
I’m sewing.
He can’t have me.
You’ll get bored.

3am.
He stumbled.
I sleep.
“Are we there yet?”

4am.
You crash.
He screams.
I sleep.

5am.
I’m restless.
You’re sweaty.
She’s snoring.

6am.
He breathes.
You fall.
I run.

sunday.