where am i? drowning.

i want pressure.
i want to feel burning purging cursing
feeling ANYTHING
fucking up
with the world tearing at my skin
cut in deep
tear at my heart
pull pull pull
rip through my throat

don’t touch me any more
stop talking
and this time it is not your fault
you can’t take it from me  –
i will take it from myself
stop talking
stop lying

break it break it break it break it
i don’t trust you.

now everyone knows and it is safe.
i am the fuck up and everyone else is healthy.
what about all your masks?
are you jealous i don’t have to wear one any more?
but wait.
it’s boring to always be broken.
treading through the crumbs of my heart just in case some sort of sanity remains.
i just want to let it go.

break the skin
tear my flesh open
watch my ribs protrude
bones bare
glistening bones
watch watch watch
let me drink the drugs

if i had known my liver would be so resilient
i would have spent more of my youth high and purging and flying.
oh to fly

i want a jacket of knives
slice through.
make it a scarf
pull my fingers out

no words to even conceive the thoughts anymore
just memories
memories memories memories
nothing works, nothing lives.

i cry, like the pathetic bird.
wing wounded.
someone scooped me to the side of the road
to avoid further injury.
but we all know it will never survive.
the scavengers, the humans,
nature will run.
i wish you would leave me on the bitumen.

tap tap tap tap tap
more more more more more
watch watch watch watch

tell me how to get out.
i want to gasp.
i want to lie down.
i want to sleep without nightmares.
i want to feel your warm body.

where am i? where am i? where am i ?  drowning.

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