Monthly Archives: January 2013

what then?

what if he was falling for the wrong woman?
what if she didn’t know?
what then?

what if she knew?
what then?

what if, what if i fell in love too?
does she want him?
will he love her?
what if, what if i fell in love too?
what then?

wrong decisions
wrong woman
wrong man

falling in
the hole opens wide to catch us
what then?
broken.

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there are no more pictures.

you are the one
i want to run to
the only one
i wanted to tell

i gave you secrets and tears
and i felt your hand
tightly embrace my heart before
i gave you my words.

you never promised
not to hurt me.
but so angry, protective
when others did.

how do you just forget?
now, in this pool of agony
your face is harsh, passive
anything to avoid my searching eyes.

and it is all i can do in my strongest moments
to distract from the memories;
touch, move, melt, fall.
and i gave you my words.

did i dream it?
you’re always in my dreams.
did i bore you?
it’s okay, i bore myself.

you always made out like
i was in control.
do you feel guilty?
all those times i tried.

but you waited until
you had my words.
they are not enough, i told you.
now i stand discarded with my defeated words. i told you.

“after living in the dark for so long,
a glimpse of the light can make you giddy.”
i thought it was you.
you told me, and i believed.

i never believe.
now.
i stand on one leg.
symbolic and a cliche all at once.


bench press.

i see the barbell above me
i’ve benched this before.
but i hear my ears
ringing,
“let it be too much”

would it make a cracking noise
when it fell?
or would the soft crunch
of ribs and clavicle
lungs and liver, spleen and stomach
would it merely
resemble a passer-by on the gravel?

i long for collapse.
i long for silence.
the heavy blanket
darkens,
“let it be too much.”


heavy ash

i don’t know
how
to
let go

the heavy
deep,
warm
crushing weight

i feel paralysed.
it is above my head
i can balance
but i can’t let go.

is that sweat
or are you
crying
AGAIN?

when does it
end?
when is it
over?

let go.
i don’t want
a spotter.
with fake strength.

i don’t know
how
to
move.

forward, backward, sideways
i await instruction
like a cripple
in rehab.

like an ever-expanding
ash cloud.
occupy my lungs
ribs are black and charred.

what?
what happened
to its heart?
what?

the ash
was
just
so heavy.


thoughts/words from today.

mutilation.
combine.
arrive.
persevere.

let go.
breathe.
feel.
fill.

undo the notion
of being
aptitude.
feel the
relaxation.

i wonder
what it’s like
to kiss me?