Monthly Archives: March 2013

eccedentesiast.

Image

he said:
“you’re always…”
“you always seem…”
“just so…”
HAPPY.

i thought:
i’m doing better than i thought.

but i found out,
if i don’t share.
if i stay closed.
i can’t hurt you.
it won’t hurt.

i can forget me.
you should forget
the me
you used to know.

she died.

and everyone cheered.


two roads.

two roads

tonight could be the night.
right?


it’s your turn.

i can’t watch this anymore.
leave me out of your car crash.

how many times?
do you want me to tell you?
how many times?
are you going to bring me up?
how many times?
are you going to watch me fall?

and walk away.
i can’t watch this anymore.

i said i’d wait.
it’s your turn.
you say you hate it.
it’s your turn.


constant.

the illness in my stomach;
the twisting turmoil,
[pain] and resistance.
just distract me.
force it out
or bury it.
just distract me.

her cuticles are torn to shreds,
the blood is release
and torture all at once.
tears.
sweat.
constant.
focus. focus. “focus on your breath.”

no-one listens to me.
why can’t you just DISTRACT me?
patronising, condescending;
i focus;
focussed, i watch the twisting, ripping;
waiting for the day
i have the strength to break the bone.

breathe. breathe. breathe.
i can’t breathe!
i’m pulling myself under.
don’t let me float.
i’m heavy and damp and awkward.
recurring dream, childlike wishes
dulled with screaming sedative.


rejection.

slowly at first,
unknowing, soothing, empathetic.
and then all at once.

“I’m in love with you, but…”
“…I can’t…”
“…you’re not…”
“…she won’t…”
“…he is…”
“…we would…”
“…they will…”
“…it shouldn’t…”

what is it
about love?
creating a constant
yearning
only a lifetime
of failed attempts.

a creature destined
to fall.
take your time,
but you beg, and yearn
and love.
so she falls
too late
again.

he had only three rules.
and with you,
he broke them all.


express.

let the words
I speak
I write
I define
I explore,
be only beautiful.

let the words be
waves of the ocean –
decimating sand and shells,
destruction that causes
a web of silky, inky weeds,
shattered shells, structured stone.

let the words be
my lover’s gentle caress –
capable of the most tender flesh on flesh.
my eyes close in the dream; yet
the warm, firm sinew encapsulates me;
dangerous desire, desperate demand.

let the words be
the constant beat, flavoured melody –
light feet, strength and grace
as the sound penetrates my chest,
I am home and lost all at once.
atrophied agony, artistic arousal.

let the words be
your purest kiss,
my full design,
her guilt and weight,
his terror,
our dreams.
sleep.


guilt.

i lied to him.
what was the alternative?
a line he didn’t want to hear.
if he could live in denial,
and i could live the lie
of infinite grief.

she lied to me.
i think we both knew
i didn’t want to hear.
so instead she stands
captured in the contract
signed under duress and feigned grief.


her crooked smile.

he moved closer.
did he dare?
her crooked smile.
her bright, enduring eyes.

enduring, because he knew she’d seen it.
seen the pain, the grief, torture.
she’d been ruined and broken
so many times.

it had burnt through her soul
and her eyes exposed the remaining ashes.
but somehow, there was still a light.
it enamoured him.

how did she find that courage?
and did he dare let her
open herself to him?
he wanted to protect her.

as he reached forward
he saw her fear for the first time.
she wanted to protect him.
he watched as his hand lay clasped.

and still.