don’t ask me to survive.

you made the decision
over and over
to hurt me
and leave me.
it looked so easy.
but i would forgive you.

i fear i’ll never
find a way to trust you;
just forget the pain
you knowingly caused.
made worse by all the kindness,
all the love, sweetness and connection.
my two conflicting realities,
i am not sure i could escape.

but i am the fool:
i know you’ll never love me
like you’ll always love her.
i know protecting her
will always be your priority.

i cannot always be
the one who loves more.
gives more,
secretly needs more.
haven’t i given you
enough already?

i don’t know how
you’ll ever convince me.
my internal ash
is too thick and too old.
i can’t accept anything
as any more
than a well intentioned lie.

it isn’t all your fault.
but you can’t fix it
and i can’t forget.
i won’t fall out of love with you,
but i can no longer show you
open, trusting love.
you were my final chance
— and it is broken.

i can’t survive for you.

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