Category Archives: just you.

instead.

i wish
it was
you.

instead,
the hole
remains.

instead,
another
year.

i wish
it was
you.

i need
too
much.

i speak
too
much.

i give
too
much.

i ask
too
much.

i expect
too
much.

i want
too
much.

instead,
still
not enough.

i wish
it was
you.


past.

he is.
i am.
we were.

your touch
is cold
and forced.

my throat
is dry
and empty.

your heart
is small
and fragile.

my fingertips
are reluctant
and strained.

your brand
of love
isn’t mine.

my lungs
keep aching
for more.

your ribs
are bruised
with effort.

you are.
i am.
we were.


e q u a t i o n.

friendship
+ lust
– satisfaction
+ stability
– romance
+ fidelity
– surprise
_______________
= lasting love?


did you.

did you die;
and i’m still
in denial?

did you die;
and all i’m seeing
is your ghost?

did you die;
or did i just
dream you?


32.

i’m getting old,
and the days
are sometimes
shorter,
sometimes longer.

i’m getting old,
but i will never
stop counting
the moment you stopped
being older.

i’m getting old,
and you’re stuck
in time.
but i will never
forget this day.


smirk ii.

i met this boy.
and he smirks
like you.
like you both
knew a secret
and the secret
was me.

only you would
never share
and never tell.
i didn’t mind
your smirks
and i let you
keep the secret.

i met this boy
after i had
met you.
now i wonder
if you met him
would you let me
love him
like i loved you?


trademark.

that was a hard
thing to do.
like always,
this paradox
of wanting
something
so badly
that in the end,
i don’t want
it at all.
the loss when
it is over
is not as deep
as i used to feel.

the surprise
is your trademark –
it happens now,
or not at all –
and i always
wonder
if part of you
hopes to miss
the chance
for complexity.
like the forlorn
longing is worth more
than confused frustration.


paramedic.

the ambulance
still scares me;
scars me.
i see the footpath
with your blank face
and the blood.

i see them
shuttling past,
jostling through.
like that night,
no sirens
means more tears.

i put your photo
in the black frame;
your hat is too small,
but you smile
and i pretend
you’re not so far away.


natural.

you never see me
in my natural
environment;
it’s not normal,
or boring,
or fake.

what we see
of each other
is an isolated,
raw edge;
not qualified,
or orchestrated.


pillow iii.

i woke to your face –
at some point
overnight, you
took up permanent
residency in my throat.

i woke to his face –
the cat – pushing his way
into my field of view;
but we both knew
it was you i had dreamt of.

i woke and
breathed your name;
your name followed me
to the gym,
to work and home again.

i fall on to the heavy pillow
and finally let go:
in the end, we both knew
i loved my cat,
more than i ever loved you.