Category Archives: poetry in motion?

mirror.

in the rearview;
i let go
of the belief.

i thought there
might be someone,
i hadn’t met yet.

i still thought;
that feeling
awaited me.

someone – available –
who somehow found
my flaws stunning.

this is the year
of feeling
my use-by date.

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netflix.

i watched it
again,
so i could
remember
the pain.

i lived in
that world
for so long.
i thought i’d
forgotten.

scrape the surface
and you will
find it.

not a longing
to remember,
but a longing
not to forget.


stagger.

no knife
is sharp enough;
no blade
splits the flesh
with surgeon-like
precion.

puzzles float
through my brain:
shapes and colours
and figures and trees.
to test and trick
and bore you.

the numb monotony
wills me towards you
and i know
my desperation
isn’t fair;
i bore you.

sleep or sprint
are my only functions.
can you still
call it functional
when you stagger through life
at only two speeds?

i search for pain,
even when my eyelids ache
and my skull is shattered
and my stomach is twisted;
i seek it: i am
a willing participant in my own addiction.

would it be release?
or another futile effort?
do i really care,
now i know
i don’t belong
in this world.


paralysis.

it is a deep panicked paralysis
i can not move
yet staying still is torture.

how the moment
is yearned for,
but to be finally enveloped
fills me with disgust.

self-loathing is a cliche,
self-hatred is a given,
pour yourself into a glass
of milk and watch
the peasants drink.


innate.

i feel it pulling
[me] in;
is that how it is
for [you]?

not even
begging, but
knowing i will
surrender.

follow it,
feel it,
obsess and
crave the purge.

i can almost
feel the pain
before i embrace it;
almost etched
into my skin
before i collapse
into the sharp
embrace.

i envy
her willpower
and control.
i envy his
distortion.
i envy the complete
surrender
to a distinction
of control.

this innate;
this blood
that tears through me;
this tremor and
insatiable
imagination.


sunburn.

it happens
when you leave
yourself exposed:
one ray of light
– one image –
and then a harsh awakening
to the facts.

inescapable pain
and wounds
you can’t hide.
there is a shame attached –
you should have known
this would happen.

if only
i had taken
earlier advice;
heeded the warnings
and stayed away
from danger.

it happens
when you leave
yourself exposed:
betrayal and sunburn –
just one in the same,
right?


implode.

because
it feels like,
my heart
is still breaking
multiple times
in the day.

because
the pain
and grief
continue
to obliterate
my lungs.

because
every step
outside the shell
is opportunity
for panicked
collapse.

because
i have only
two gears:
self-destruction
or
cowering solitude.

because
why sleep
when the hours
are an anxious monotony
of every terrorising fear
and every disappointing flaw.

because
everything hurts
but “so it goes”:
still my heart beats
still my lungs inflate
still my brain implodes.


cup.

another one
for the cup:
cup of sugar,
cup of tea,
cup of soup.

another one
for the cup:
cup of dust,
cup of glass,
cup of blades.

another one
for the cup:
cup of blood,
cup of salt,
cup of hair.

another one
for the cup:
cup of nails,
cup of grass,
cup of pain.


downgrade.

like a couple who grows old,
the children leave home,
and the family dwelling
is too big, too unweldy
to maintain.
nostalgia and grief:
downgrade.

like the unwilling assessment
of credit risk and consumer confidence.
black marks and a world renowned
rating scale.
disappointment and reluctance:
downgrade.

like two lovers.
entrenched in expectations
that became too big; unweldy.
a growing risk profile.
nostalgia.
disappointment.
reluctance.
grief.

downgrade.


safe ii.

i thought
you could
protect me.

i thought
you wanted
me safe.

i thought
you could
understand me.

i thought
you would
be proud.

i thought
you would
admire me.

i thought
you would
want to know.

i thought
we would
love.

i thought
we would
fly.

nobody is perfect.
i thought wrong.