Tag Archives: tired

manic incompetence.

i don’t remember
the last time.
my fresh energy
– pure and uninhibited –
i’ve forgotten what
it feels like.

instead, luke warm
at best
and otherwise
cold, dark and sticky.

my hands never dry
and yet my nail beds
are rough
and crumbling.

i am so tired
yet full of adrenalin
relentless trembling
plagues my knuckles
like an arthritic matriarch.

the mania comes
but in an anxious
and with reactionary
tention.

no patience,
no concentration,
all fear and no memories.

a quivering
ball of pathetic
incompetence.

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[am].

i am alone,
i am apart,
i am numb
and cold
and bored.


armless.

you always
smell
like fresh
laundry.

and now
you follow
me everywhere:
caress me
as i sleep;
cradle me
from the chill.

you still
smell
like fresh
laundry.

only your arms
are out of reach.


switch.

the lid
is over-flowing
with familiar
self-loathing.

but a different
kind of tremor;
no tears and
just cold, dark eyes.

no heart
can warm me.
i hear your name
and shiver.

memory and
my head aches.
the switch flipped
the wrong way.


did you.

did you die;
and i’m still
in denial?

did you die;
and all i’m seeing
is your ghost?

did you die;
or did i just
dream you?


safe.

now i understand
why my wrists
have been aching –
it’s where you
held me
while i struggled.
as you spat
at me,
and i begged you
to go.
as you raged
at my riddled body,
and i begged you
to go.

i know
it’s always my fault;
i know
there’s no point arguing.
i am reduced
to the pathetic doll
once again.
another christmas
and another year
pretending.

i thought
you knew.
and i thought
i could be loved
by you.
turns out,
it’s all
just the same.
but now i understand
why my wrists
have been aching.

you might
as well
compare notes.


cloud.

it is on
days like this,
foggy and
humid,
no wind
and rain
in dull
sheets.

i’m playing
games and
i don’t
really get it;
i can’t
deny;
it’s still
my dream.

every
november;
forever,
i suppose.
it is on
days like this,
a warm cloud
engulfs me.